Managing at Home
This information sheet discusses the roots of compliant behavior and provides a handful of strategies to use at home. Dr. Russell Barkley, an expert in child behavior, encourages parents to examine compliance and non-compliance in light of four factors: 1) the nature of the child, 2) the nature of parents and care-givers, 3) the effectiveness of child management methods, and 4) the child’s environment and related stress.
As we reflect on the personalities of children two important observations come into focus. First, they fall somewhere on a “compliancy scale” ranging from overly compliant on the left to oppositional and defiant on the right. In between these extremes are behaviors generally deemed acceptable including active compliance and self-advocacy. The “strong-willed child” is generally viewed as being non-compliant. This is important because many youth with learning disabilities (LD) and attention deficit disorder (AD/HD) are often described as being “strong-willed.” The second set of critical observations results from an examination of a child’s LD and AD/HD issues and their impact on compliance. Such issues include poor organization and time management skills, impulsivity, low self-esteem, sensitivity, and ineffective social skills. Oftentimes, these issues “mask” or camouflage as compliance or non-compliance. Other times, they have a tremendous effect on compliance. Reflect for just a second on the effect of poor organization skills on compliance. A child sets out to complete a task requested by a parent and either lacks the organization skills to complete the task or forgets critical steps along the way. How many times have we judged a child as being non-compliant when they were really dealing with the results of poor organization skills or a “leaky” memory? Likewise, think about the way impulsivity “masks” as non-compliance. The impulsivity of the moment overrides the child’s true desire to be “rule-abiding.” And here lies the real problem - the more we let children experience the consequences for their unintended non-compliance, the more likely they are to become overly compliant or truly oppositional and defiant.
Dr. Barkley asks us to consider the nature of parents and care-givers as the second factor. In particular, we can reflect on three questions and their relation to a child’s compliance. First, how great is a parent’s need for control? A “control freak” or “permissive” style of parenting affects a child’s level of compliance. Second, what is a care-giver’s primary leadership style? Do they “lead from the front” or do they “provide encouragement from the sidelines?” How does each individual child respond to this leadership style and can leadership style be adapted to the needs of different personalities? Third, what are a parent’s management style and practices and how do they impact a child’s compliance? Does the parent show a lot of emotion when involved in management tasks and how does that impact a frustrated “strong-willed” child? How effective is a parent in management of the home and responding to the changing management needs as a child develops from infancy through adolescence? Answering these questions is important if we want to truly understand the root of a child’s non-compliance or want to encourage active compliance.
The third factor is the effectiveness of child management methods. Barkley contrasts three characteristics of child management techniques: effective versus ineffective, consistent versus inconsistent, and just versus indiscriminate. In light of these characteristics, three questions can be asked of child management strategies. 1) Is the strategy working? If not, include your child in a search for a new strategy. 2) Are you being consistent in the implementation of a strategy? If not, then you are probably doing more harm than good. 3) Does the consequence “fit the crime?” If not, then include your child in developing a list of inappropriate behavior / consequence and appropriate behavior / consequence matches. Such “sentencing guidelines” - both positive and negative - provide benefits on a multitude of levels.
The fourth factor Barkley asks us to consider is the effect of environment and stress events on compliance. Children with LD and AD/HD are incredibly affected by environment and stress - more so than the general population. Issues of distractibility, impulsivity, and a myriad of processing challenges contribute to this sensitivity. The “silver lining” in this cloud is that environments are fairly easy to manage, manipulate, or modify to meet individual needs. In the case of distractions, it is a matter of knowing which “flavor” of distraction influences a child’s attention and managing those distractions. The “short list” of distraction “flavors” includes auditory, visual, tactile, temperature, hunger, and emotional distractions. In the case of impulsivity, it is recognizing the primary “triggers” of impulsivity and techniques of redirection. In the case of processing challenges (visual, auditory, etc.) it is a matter of linking a strategy with the processing challenge. Two strategies are particularly effective in dealing with stress. The first is teaching relaxation skills to counter the stress and the second is helping children prepare for transitions so as to reduce the stress level. Transition strategies can be as elaborate as reviewing next year’s textbooks during the summer and walking the halls of a new school or as simple as using a sequence of 10-, 5-, and 2-minute time warnings as a child transitions from one activity to another.
In addition to those ideas already mentioned, please reflect on the following potential strategies:
As we reflect on the personalities of children two important observations come into focus. First, they fall somewhere on a “compliancy scale” ranging from overly compliant on the left to oppositional and defiant on the right. In between these extremes are behaviors generally deemed acceptable including active compliance and self-advocacy. The “strong-willed child” is generally viewed as being non-compliant. This is important because many youth with learning disabilities (LD) and attention deficit disorder (AD/HD) are often described as being “strong-willed.” The second set of critical observations results from an examination of a child’s LD and AD/HD issues and their impact on compliance. Such issues include poor organization and time management skills, impulsivity, low self-esteem, sensitivity, and ineffective social skills. Oftentimes, these issues “mask” or camouflage as compliance or non-compliance. Other times, they have a tremendous effect on compliance. Reflect for just a second on the effect of poor organization skills on compliance. A child sets out to complete a task requested by a parent and either lacks the organization skills to complete the task or forgets critical steps along the way. How many times have we judged a child as being non-compliant when they were really dealing with the results of poor organization skills or a “leaky” memory? Likewise, think about the way impulsivity “masks” as non-compliance. The impulsivity of the moment overrides the child’s true desire to be “rule-abiding.” And here lies the real problem - the more we let children experience the consequences for their unintended non-compliance, the more likely they are to become overly compliant or truly oppositional and defiant.
Dr. Barkley asks us to consider the nature of parents and care-givers as the second factor. In particular, we can reflect on three questions and their relation to a child’s compliance. First, how great is a parent’s need for control? A “control freak” or “permissive” style of parenting affects a child’s level of compliance. Second, what is a care-giver’s primary leadership style? Do they “lead from the front” or do they “provide encouragement from the sidelines?” How does each individual child respond to this leadership style and can leadership style be adapted to the needs of different personalities? Third, what are a parent’s management style and practices and how do they impact a child’s compliance? Does the parent show a lot of emotion when involved in management tasks and how does that impact a frustrated “strong-willed” child? How effective is a parent in management of the home and responding to the changing management needs as a child develops from infancy through adolescence? Answering these questions is important if we want to truly understand the root of a child’s non-compliance or want to encourage active compliance.
The third factor is the effectiveness of child management methods. Barkley contrasts three characteristics of child management techniques: effective versus ineffective, consistent versus inconsistent, and just versus indiscriminate. In light of these characteristics, three questions can be asked of child management strategies. 1) Is the strategy working? If not, include your child in a search for a new strategy. 2) Are you being consistent in the implementation of a strategy? If not, then you are probably doing more harm than good. 3) Does the consequence “fit the crime?” If not, then include your child in developing a list of inappropriate behavior / consequence and appropriate behavior / consequence matches. Such “sentencing guidelines” - both positive and negative - provide benefits on a multitude of levels.
The fourth factor Barkley asks us to consider is the effect of environment and stress events on compliance. Children with LD and AD/HD are incredibly affected by environment and stress - more so than the general population. Issues of distractibility, impulsivity, and a myriad of processing challenges contribute to this sensitivity. The “silver lining” in this cloud is that environments are fairly easy to manage, manipulate, or modify to meet individual needs. In the case of distractions, it is a matter of knowing which “flavor” of distraction influences a child’s attention and managing those distractions. The “short list” of distraction “flavors” includes auditory, visual, tactile, temperature, hunger, and emotional distractions. In the case of impulsivity, it is recognizing the primary “triggers” of impulsivity and techniques of redirection. In the case of processing challenges (visual, auditory, etc.) it is a matter of linking a strategy with the processing challenge. Two strategies are particularly effective in dealing with stress. The first is teaching relaxation skills to counter the stress and the second is helping children prepare for transitions so as to reduce the stress level. Transition strategies can be as elaborate as reviewing next year’s textbooks during the summer and walking the halls of a new school or as simple as using a sequence of 10-, 5-, and 2-minute time warnings as a child transitions from one activity to another.
In addition to those ideas already mentioned, please reflect on the following potential strategies:
- Solicit a child’s input when creating any strategy. Better to have them in the role of engineer rather than demolition expert.
- Use physical cues such as a touch or squeeze or a verbal cue such as a “code word” to redirect a child.
- Choose your battles carefully - do not make everything non-negotiable.
- Validation is critical to creating a healthy interaction with a child. Begin with a validation like “I understand you’re frustrated” or “I see how you might view this as unfair.”
- Know your child’s natural motivators including their primary love language. Do they respond best to words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service or gifts?
- Set clear limits and expectations. Put them in writing and post them in a significant location.
- Know those things you can control (allowance, items in house, transportation, phone use, etc.) and those things you do not control (freedom, personal choices, commitment, investment). Do not “back yourself into a corner” trying to control those things over which you have no control.
- Know WHEN to confront your child, HOW NOT to get “sucked in,” and HOW to disengage.
- Practice reframing questions such as “What’s the matter with you?” to “What can I do to help?” and “What were you thinking?” to “Is that what you meant to do?”
- Give your child “permission” to fail. Ask “permission” to coach.
- Never forget it is the child’s job to test limits. Never lose sight of the fact that the strong-willed child can change the world as a strong-willed adult.